


A Bit of Raw Dwarf

by Warg_Scout_Cookies



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Funny Death, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Oral Sex, Sibling Incest, Snuff, Spoofy, The Author Cackles Manically!!!, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 14:02:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13272966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warg_Scout_Cookies/pseuds/Warg_Scout_Cookies
Summary: In this story, the company's encounter with the Mountain Trolls plays out JUST a bit differently...





	A Bit of Raw Dwarf

**Author's Note:**

> Not my characters.  
> *All of Bilbo's "hallucinations" really did happen in the movie, due to editing mistakes and such- so I had my fun with it.  
> *It has been brought to my attention (by a TROLL, hilariously enough,) that this story might not be suitable for those who lack a mature sense of humor.  
> *The author is not responsible for the mental or physical well-being of the readers. (Just the characters!)

Thorin's brooding stubbornness and animosity toward elves had finally irritated Gandalf to the point that he had to separate himself from the entire company.

Bilbo was very concerned that the wizard might not come back if Thorin had angered him too much.  The hobbit turned to Balin for reassurance, but unfortunately there was none to be given.

As night settled in, Bilbo found that he could not focus on anything but the wizard's whereabouts.  He hadn't had an appetite for the slop-like stew, which Bombur had concocted, nor was he even able to appreciate Thorin's intense sexual magnetism. (Something he'd secretly done every moment, since he first met the mysterious Dwarf King.) 

Bilbo did not want to be made fun of for being worrisome and fussy, but after so long, he finally said something to Bofur.

The hatted dwarf only casually replied, "He's a wizard, he does as he chooses."  He then proceeded to give the hobbit a menial chore, in an effort to distract him from his troubles.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Fili and Kili had been assigned watch-duty over the ponies, but being out, alone together in a secluded area had the brothers feeling far too tempted to take advantage of such a perfect opportunity. 

They assured one another that nothing bad could possibly happen, so long as they were quick about it.

The two excitable, young dwarves found a nice hiding spot behind some thick brush, a short distance away from the ponies.  They began kissing passionately while their stout hands groped into each other's trousers.  Fili and Kili crushed their mouths together, continually battling for dominance with wet, needy tongues as they rutted hard, up against one another's firm, leather clad bodies. 

Kili stroked his older brother's cock with rough, lust-driven fervor, while Fili's touch was much more languid and teasing.  He ran his hand all the way up and down his little brother's velvety-smooth length, taking a few brief pauses to lightly tug at Kili's balls with the palm of his hand.

After a few minutes of urgent, sloppy kissing and fondling, the younger of the pair could no longer remain content with only using his hands.  Kili dropped to his knees and took Fili's stiff, liquid-pearl tipped cock in his mouth, savoring that sweet, little drop of pre-cum with his tongue for just a moment, before he began sucking intently, swallowing his older brother's dick down to the back of his throat.

 _"Nnnngh!_ Kili! -Yes, baby!!!" panted the eldest as he enjoyed his younger brother's eager mouth. 

But it did not take long before Kili wanted more, still.  He popped his mouth off of Fili's thick head and wiped a trickle of drool from his chin with the back of his hand, while gazing up into his brother's sparking, sky blue eyes.  Kili's dark orbs were wide, full of aching desire and love for the one he'd always adored, looked up to, and lusted after.  His hot breath ghosted over the wet, glistening tip of Fili's cock as he whispered, "I need you so bad, brother... Fuck me, Fili... _Please."_

Those pouty lips, soft tongue, and big, brown eyes with dark, whispy bangs falling haplessly over them, had Fili unable to do little more than nod.  There was no possible way the blonde could refuse his baby brother's desperate plea.

Fili lurched Kili up by his shoulders, spun him around and pinned him against a sturdy tree.  He yanked Kili's trousers down, and pressed the slick tip of his cock against his brother's tight entrance.  There was plenty of lubrication from the younger one's previous oral maneuver, yet without the aid of being stretched first, Kili's ass burned hot as Fili's thick girth penetrated deeply into him, causing them both to feel light-headed and dizzy.

Fili didn't stop.  He knew his brother liked it rough, besides they were trying to be quick about this, so he surged forward until his hips slammed hard against Kili's chiseled cheeks.  His cock was sheathed in such _tight_ , gripping heat, that Fili felt like he could have died happily in that very moment.

Both brothers grunted and moaned, drowning out all other sounds around them as Fili steadily pounded into Kili's ass, all the while furiously pumping the youngest dwarf's cock with his hand.  Soon, they each cried out in ecstasy as they came abruptly hard and fast, in perfect unison with one another.  Fili coated the inside of his brother's leanly muscled body, while at exact same moment, Kili had left his glistening mark to drizzle down the bark of the thickly based tree in front of him.

The two, satiated dwarves took a few moments to catch their breaths, get dressed, and share a slow, loving kiss before deciding it was time to get back to their job of tending the ponies.

Soon after the brothers had emerged from the foliage, they realized something was not quite right.  They counted over and over again, each time coming up with _fourteen_ ponies, instead of _sixteen_. (Except for the two times when Kili had somehow counted seventeen, and the one time Fili counted twelve.)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bilbo's task had been to bring some stew to Fili and Kili, which he did without qualm.  When he located the brothers, he noticed the strange way they were just standing there, staring at the ponies with dumbfounded, yet seemingly _guilty_ expressions on their gorgeous, young faces.  The hobbit was almost afraid to ask, because he knew he would not like the answer, but he went ahead and spoke up anyway, hoping against hope that it would not be anything _too_ disastrous.

Upon hearing the words, "We're supposed to be looking after the ponies..." Bilbo was _completely_ clear on everything that statement had entailed.  They might as well have just followed up with, _'...But we got distracted by each other's raw, rugged, young, beautiful, virile, intoxicatingly potent, sexuality, that we had no choice, but to go fuck... Can you blame us?'_

"Should't we tell Thorin?" asked Bilbo, somewhat _hoping_ for a reason to see the Dwarf King to take charge and display his powerful authority.  But Fili's emphatic "Uh,  _no,"_ told him that they'd likely been caught in the past and lectured about this very thing (missing ponies, aside). 

By the brothers' coercion, Bilbo did his best to play the part of the "burglar" by stating the obvious about "something big" having been responsible for uprooting two large, healthy-looking trees.

Just then, Fili noticed a light ahead.  Kili informed Bilbo it was _trolls_ , and then suddenly the dwarves went sprinting off, toward the danger, leaving the hobbit's head to spin.

Bilbo had started to go after them, but quickly remembered his responsibility to make sure the boys get their supper.  The hobbit was so flustered that his eyes seemed to be playing tricks on him.  The bowls of stew had each been originally equipped with a spoon, but then one went missing, only to magically re-appear, but an instant later.  But it mattered not, because a hideous beast was traipsing past them with two more ponies in his clutches.  "He's got Myrtle and Minty!" gasped Bilbo in fright.  He could not bear the thought of the innocent animals (especially Myrtle,) getting eaten by fiendish, gluttonous trolls.  But not once, did he think _he_ should be the one responsible for freeing the trapped ponies, when _Fili_ and _Kili_ were the ones to disobey orders, allowing them to get taken in the first place.

Suddenly, Bilbo found himself being shoved onward as the brothers took their bowls of stew.  They'd given him what they thought was a _very_ obvious command to "hoot twice like barn owl and once like a brown owl," should he run into trouble, before disappearing off into the woods. 

 

Fili and Kili knew they had no choice, but to fess up to their uncle.  After gulping down their stew and a bit of ale, the brothers told Thorin about the trolls, and how Bilbo was trying to save the ponies from them.

"I should have _known_ better than to leave you two, to your own devices.  And to think, I vouched for you to go on this quest, even though my sister- your _mother_ insisted you were both too young and reckless..."  Thorin marched back and forth in front of his shameful nephews, causing the shadows around the campfire to shift ominously, from one side to the other as the King continued his rant.  "Kili, I know  you had to have been the instigator in this situation- as you _always_ are..."  Thorin tried not to smirk at the bright scarlet tone, which spread across the young brunette's face.  "As such, I expect you to be the first to launch an attack.  The rest of us will charge in afterwards."

"We're sorry, Uncle Thorin."

"Yes, we promise, we'll never-"

"Save your empty apologies for later.  Right now, there is no more time to waste.  Now _go_ \- both of you!"

The brothers both nodded their heads in concession before taking one last swig of ale and turning back to the troll camp.  They were thankful their uncle had gone easy on them.  Apparently, when Thorin didn't have a cute, little _hobbit_ to show off for, he was surprisingly lenient- just as when Fili and Kili were mischievous, young dwarflings, stomping around in their uncle's big, furry boots, tracking mud all over the house with each over-sized step.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bilbo carefully hid behind a tree, nearly gagging when one of the trolls sneezed a "floater" into the stew they were cooking.

These three stooges were obviously too wrapped up in their bickering to notice much else, so the hobbit took his chance to attempt untying the ropes which penned the ponies.  His eyes (or perhaps it was his mind,) suddenly began to play with his sense of reality again by making the ponies appear to be bridled and tied one moment, then the next, they were bucking up, free-of-bit.  Bilbo decided not to pay too much attention to the strange phenomenon.  He shifted his focus from trying to loosen the impossible knots, to obtaining something sharp enough to cut the thick ropes with.  The hobbit was quiet as a mouse as he made his way toward least intellectual of the gigantic trio, in an effort to pilfer his blade.

Tom- as it were, seemed to suffer from a variety of unfortunate afflictions, including dry, itchy skin, a roving eye, a _very_ serious respiratory infection, and _extremely_ poor personal hygiene.  He was much less robust than the other two, and as such seemed to be the hungriest and most whiny when it came to food, although, his inferior demeanor only served to get him hit upside the head with a ladle, by the more aggressive one, named Bert.

Bilbo soon found himself directly down wind of a troll scratching his ass, which was easily the most foul smell, the hobbit had ever encountered in his entire life. (Including the time his ornery cousins left a dead fish under his bed, which had taken Bilbo three days to track down.)  But then suddenly, everything got _sooo_ much worse when the sick troll reached back for his handkerchief, inadvertently scooping Bilbo up along with the blanket-sized fabric to clear his clogged sinuses.

Tom blew a copious amount of phlegm and mucus all over the unsuspecting hobbit, leaving Bilbo helpless, but to squirm in the troll's enormous hand.  Tom had been just as shocked as Bilbo when he examined the small, well-dressed creature, whom he'd briefly thought to have come out of his "hooter."  "It's got arms and legs and everything!" he observed.

Bert and William were stunned as well, until Tom threw Bilbo down into the dirt as he shrieked in revulsion, "I don't like the way it wriggles around!!!"

The hobbit barely had time to scramble to his feet before William began to question and threaten him with a freshly sharpened knife.  Without thought, Bilbo had blurted out that he was a "burglar," then quickly corrected himself by saying, "hobbit."

"A burglar-hobbit?" - "Can we cook him?" - "We can try!"

Bilbo made an ill-fated attempt to flee, only to be captured, held upside-down and interrogated about the possibility of any hidden allies.  Bilbo lied to the best of his ability in the hopes that maybe, at least the others would have the chance to escape unharmed, even if he didn't.

When things seemed so doomed that Bilbo had nearly accepted his fate, there came Kili, bursting forth from behind the trees, sword in hand.

The Dwarf Prince whacked Tom upon the back of the knee and ordered the trolls to drop him.

The hobbit was actually surprised by the fact that _any_  of the dwarves had cared enough to fight for him.  He didn't realize that Kili had been physically _pushed_ into the clearing, by Thorin and Dwalin, who'd given him no choice in the matter.

Within seconds, Bilbo went flying through the air, into Kili's waiting arms, sending the dwarf backward onto the ground, with Bilbo straddling him, nearly plowing their open mouths together.  It was at that very moment, the rest of the dwarves came charging in, triumphantly to battle the hideous beasts.

As the dwarves fought, Bilbo's mind sought to elude him evermore.  Several times, he glanced at Fili, who's face looked to him as if it somehow belonged to an entirely different person all together, almost as if the dwarf were some sort of pseudo-resembling impostor of the lion-maned, young Prince.  Shaking it off, the hobbit continued to duck and weave his way through the crowd.  At one point, he'd heard William (who- to Bilbo's ears had sounded _eerily_ similar to Gloin,) shout "Get the sacks!  Stick 'em in the sacks!"

Bilbo instinctively crouched down behind a barrel to protect his "sack" from getting stuck by a blade.

Amidst the chaos, the hobbit was finally able to retrieve Tom's crudely made weapon, and use it to saw through the ropes which held the ponies captive.  Bilbo felt a quick flutter of relief as he watched the animals run away to safety. 

The dwarves raged on, stabbing, jabbing and slicing at the trolls, only to find that no matter how hard they thrust their swords, the scavenging dolts never seemed to be injured past the point of grunting or squealing,"Oowww!"  Not once did the the dwarves' blades or axes spill so much as a drop of the trolls' blood. (If they even had any.)  Bilbo even saw Dwalin hit Bert in the face with a war-hammer and _heard_ the sound of teeth shattering, yet _still_ there was no blood nor did the troll appear to be missing any teeth after the incident.  He'd tried desperately to ignore the fact that the troll's kettle had just gotten knocked over, only to right it's self after split second, contents intact.

 

A whirlwind of weapons flying later, Bilbo found himself in the limb-threatening clutches of two nightmarish monsters.  "Lay down you arms, or we'll rip his off!"

From the dwarves' perspectives, the hobbit had never looked so tiny.  Even his proportionately large feet appeared as kitten's paws, compared to the trolls' gargantuan, four-fingered hands.

 Under Thorin's leadership, the rest of the dwarves relinquished their weapons in a shallow attempt to ensure the safety of their burglar.

With the company utterly defenseless, Bilbo soon found out what William had _actually_ meant when he'd said,"Stick 'em in the sacks."  He, along with Thorin, Fili, Kili, Bombur, Balin, Oin and Gloin had all been tied up to their necks in scratchy, filth-covered burlap sacks, and tossed into a pile against a slab of cold stone.

After the trolls had removed their unwanted stew from the fire, Bofur, Bifur, Dori, Nori, Ori, and Dwalin were ordered by the trolls to strip down to their long-johns (as opposed to nude, which would have made much more sense.)  Then for some strange reason, they were told to put their boots back on... (The dwarves simply chalked it up to the trolls being half-wits.)  They were then, tied to a large pole with their legs overlapping one another's shoulders.  The six dwarves were placed horizontally over the campfire, upon supportive cross-beams at either end of the wooden spit.

Bert and William rotated the dwarves, while Tom complained about how long it would take to cook them.  But when the most assertive of the trolls insisted they should be properly seasoned, Tom found that Bert's suggestion did sound quite nice.  He taunted Bofur, lecherously with his tongue, most amused by the dwarf's panting and huffing for breath over the open flame.

William had noted that dawn was not far away and suggested they should get a move on.  "I don't fancy being turned to stone!"

At that moment, Bilbo suddenly had an idea.  "Wait! You are making a terrible mistake!" he shouted before jumping up to his feet.  He bunny-hopped in his burlap, toward the trolls.  "I meant... with the seasoning.  You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!"

"Traitor!" the dwarves shouted in protest, not realizing that the halfling had actually been trying to _save_ them, by buying some time to think.

William seemed skeptical, but Bert was very interested in what Bilbo had to say, insisting they let the "flurgaburburhobbit" talk.

The hobbit's mind was completely blank.  He quickly realized he had absolutely no idea what he could possibly say.  He stammered and struggled to come up with something, but the trolls were losing what little patience they had, so Bilbo once again, blurted out the first thing that popped into his head "You have to skin them first!"

The dwarves all shouted their objections while Bert ignored them and beckoned Tom for his filleting knife.  William rolled his eyes as he declared, "What a load of rubbish!  I've eaten plenty with their skins on!  Scarf 'em I say, boots and all!"  Tom was very much in agreement.  "He's right!  Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf!" he said while grabbing Bombur up from the pile of sacked-up victims.

Bilbo looked on in terror as Tom held the round dwarf upside-down and stated, "Nice and crunchy!"  The hobbit desperately tried to think of something- _anything_ he could say to make the trolls spare Bombur, at least for a few more moments, until he could figure something else out.  Unfortunately, he was too panic-stricken to be able to think quickly enough.

The troll chomped off Bombur's head in one raw, bone-crunching bite.  

Bilbo and the rest of the company were shocked and horrified.  Bifur wailed the loudest, while Bofur burst into tears, face cringed in agony as they rotated upon the spit.  

Several others screamed, "NOOO!!!" - _"BOMBUR!"_   But Bilbo could only stand there, frozen in a stunned state of disbelief as to what he'd just witnessed.  He began to feel light headed and queasy as a sense of impending doom overwhelmed his fractured mind.  The hobbit's eyes rolled back in their sockets and he fell down onto the pile of dwarves behind him, with his head landing softly against Thorin's chest.

Tom unsacked Bombur's headless body and passed it around like an apple, each troll taking a huge, bloody bite until there was nothing left, not even his boots.

Thorin was actually quite glad Bilbo had fainted, and did not have to look upon such terrible carnage.  He nuzzled his face into the unconscious hobbit's fragrant hair and whispered to him, "You are so brave, my sweet, little halfling... _None_ of this is your fault.  I should have never listened to that confusticated wizard to begin with.  I'm so sorry for dragging you into this..."

Soon, Thorin's own rage and defiance had taken over his thought process, though the immobilized Dwarf King was unable to do anything more than shout at the top of his lungs as Oin, Gloin and Balin were taken away from the pile.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

By the time Bilbo had come to, he thought for just one blissful moment that he was back in the shire, in his own warm bed.  He deeply inhaled the clean, smokey scent of Thorin Oakenshield snuggled up close to him, quite certain he must be dreaming.

The campsite was much quieter than it had been when Bilbo first passed out.  Thorin nudged him awake, causing sudden panic and terror to set into the hobbit's mind once more.

"Wh... what?... Where did... _NOOOO!!!"_ he shrieked upon the realization that he, Thorin, Fili and Kili were the only ones left intact.

"Bilbo, please- don't look," sobbed Thorin as the hobbit took in the gruesome scene around him.

Dori, Nori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, and Dwalin were still tied to the rotisserie, but none of them were struggling anymore.  All but Dwalin and Bifur were dead, with limbs having already been torn off and eaten.  The remaining two were charred, almost beyond recognition, while their bodies twitched and contorted as gurgling, hissing sounds sputtered forth from their lip-less mouths.

Nearby, the troll's kettle was filled to the brim with raw, crimson tissue, blood and bones, all mashed together with wads of hair, clothing, and leather boots.

The ghastly vision and thick metallic stench, along with that of burnt flesh, and singed hair had Bilbo dry-heaving.  Quickly he cringed, hiding his face in the Dwarf King's long, dark hair, which still smelled amazing and extremely soothing to Bilbo.  He'd averted his gaze just in time, before William ripped off one of Dwalin's meaty legs and said, "Pass the dwarf jelly!"

The troll swirled the severed limb around in the pot of mashed dwarf carcasses before unceremoniously crunching it down, resulting in the most god-awful sounds Bilbo had ever heard.

Fili and Kili did not dare look up from each other's shoulders as they whimpered in fear.

 

While the trolls chomped, smacked and slurped the last few bites of roasted and "jellied" dwarves, they discussed what they should do with the remaining four, finally settling on Bert's idea of baking them into a pie.

"Oh no...  No, no, no, no, no..." squeaked Bilbo, coiling further up into Thorin's thick hair and warm, inviting neck.  Even in the midst of a bloody massacre, Bilbo felt his cock twitch when he breathed in Thorin's heady, masculine aroma.

There were _so_ many things Thorin wanted to tell Bilbo right then, but he did not want to seem like he was only saying them because he thought they might die.  No- he'd wait until they escaped with their lives and tell him then, when it was right.

Bert lined the empty iron cauldron with a thin layer of leaves, which stuck easily to the oozing blood, still coating the inside.  "Pie crust is ready!  Bring the filling!" ordered the troll chef.

"Uncle Thorin!" shouted Fili, followed by Kili's frightened whisper, "They're going to bake us into a pie..."

Bilbo nearly fainted again and Thorin choked down a hard lump in his throat, before nobly declaring, "If this is to end in pie, then we shall all bake together!"

Less than a second later, the four were being flung into the pot, burlap and all- then covered over with another layer of wet, sticky leaves, making it exceedingly difficult for them to breathe.  They felt themselves being jostled around as the trolls placed the "dwarf and burglar-hobbit pie" over the campfire.  The bottom heated quickly, followed by the sides as the remnants of the other dwarves' blood boiled up all around them.

Thorin, Fili, Kili and Bilbo all screamed and writhed in pain, inside the stygian death-trap until one by one, their movements ceased entirely.

 

A short while later, Bert decided that their dessert was ready to eat.  He and his two companions all agreed that hobbit meat was by _far,_ more sweet and succulent than any man or dwarf they'd ever tasted.  They would have liked to take more time savoring the rare delicacy, but as William kept pointing out, dawn was swiftly approaching and so they began gathering up the dwarves' weapons and armor to add to the hoard in their cave. 

Then, appearing as if from nowhere, a wizard unexpectedly showed up and began to survey the campsite.

"Who's that?" asked William.  "No idea," answered Bert.  "Can we eat him too?" questioned Tom.  "Of course we can!" said William as he reached out and snatched Gandalf by the leg.  The other trolls grabbed hold of his head, arms and other leg, tugging back in all directions until the terrified istari had been effectively disassembled.

With the sun on the rise, the trolls decided it would be best to bring the pieces of wizard back to their cave, where they could take their time and "cook him up, proper."

The trolls barely had enough time to make it home, where Gandalf was grilled and sauteed with a sprinkle of sage.  Bert had found it to his utmost convenience that the wizard just happened to be carrying a pouch of "sage" within the inner-pocket of his shredded robe.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

About half an hour after polishing off the last piece of bare bones, the trolls began to feel very strange.

Tom waved his hand in front of his face, giggled, then said "Bert, I think that wizard meat is making me feel... _funny."_

Bert laughed as he picked up Gandalf's tiny, pointed hat and placed it upon his own head.  "Look at me, I'm a wizard!"

William fell over onto his side, unable to control his own increasingly high-pitched laughter as Bert proceeded to wield the wizard's staff.  They all roared, hysterically until Bert hit the butt-end of Gandalf's powerfully enchanted apparatus hard onto the floor of the cave.  

Suddenly, the dark safety of their rock dwelling burst open, and the bright, morning sunlight spilled in all around them.

Within an instant, the trolls had been transformed into stone statues of themselves, never to move, speak, nor draw breath ever again.

 

                                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~ The End ~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> Upon realizing their masters would not be returning, the ponies, Daisy, Bungo, Myrtle and Minty had gone back to the dwarves' campsite and freed the other twelve. Now they all live as a wild herd, happily thriving in the rich, green hills of New Zealand- er, I mean Middle Earth.  
> *There's a happy ending. Now we can all sleep soundly. ; )


End file.
